By David DeAngelo
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Extra resources for Double Your Dating - The 8 Personality types That Naturally Attract Women
One can be oneself in one of one’s identities, but if one cannot be oneself in one’s other identities one cannot be said to have found oneself. Indeed, in such a case there may be ground for suspicion that where one seems to be oneself one may be deriving some compensatory gratification from the identity in which one seems to be at home. If that is the case, then one’s identity in that context would not be genuine – not wholly so. Inner coherence is one of the criteria of having found oneself. Some confusion surrounds the notion of personal or individual identity.
I said that an identity is something we keep, nurture, through our loyalties and gratitude. This is no obstacle to growing up and moving on; on the contrary, a secure identity helps us to spread our wings, to move on to new territories. This involves no disloyalty. When we are young, growing up involves breaking umbilical cords – metaphorically speaking – but to do so is not to turn one’s back on the past, to break with those who have nurtured us. If, however, those who have nurtured us are reluctant to let us go, and especially if they make us feel guilty, stretching our wings and moving on will present us with conflicts and difficulties.
How can a person who is unable or unwilling to be honest with himself be himself? Human life and the individual’s identity We have been concerned in the last section with the distinction between the self and the ego. Putting aside the metaphysical ideas of the self – which belong with the metaphysical ideas of the soul and of the mind as a substance as well as their negative underside such as the idea of the mind as identical with the brain – I pointed out that the idea of the self with which we are concerned, as found in the expressions ‘coming to oneself’, ‘finding and being oneself’, originally derives from the use of such expressions as ‘a self-propelled rocket’, ‘the dog has got itself entangled in its long lead’, ‘he did it himself without anyone’s help’.